[TETRA]Van de Kärne, Ellepsis: "Eulogy for the Immolations" - [JNL] [MUR] [VAM]

I suspect that, someday in time, the secrets within the terms of my condition to combat the Affliction will be revealed. Part of me is to hope that the revelation of what I have done will occur only after my own passing from this mortal world; likely due to the Lunacy itself consuming me or by the hands of Sebastiaan... My sweet little brother who only wishes me to be well and, in doing so, turns a blind eye, for now, to my actions so that I may live another month.

My sickness comes in tides, the Lunacy following the lunar calendar, for which it is named after, and peaks with every full moon. It did not present itself until my 30th birthday as my own frail body finished developing. Triggered by the death of Father and for a while I had mistaken the madness as just a symptom of my grief. Death almost claimed me then if not, within my own insecurity and rage, for the death of my first victim.

Idna, the woman who had been charged to care for me while I was confined to my bed while little brother sought for my cure. She was much older than me and I almost considered her as a surrogate mother during those times. She had my love and gratitude. Until I saw those dark eyes wandering in the direction of Sebastiaan. Suddenly those comforting hands I saw as tools to hasten my death so that she may replace my absence and be closer to him.

I could not allow this to happen.

While my bones feel brittle like glass and my own body smaller than the average woman of my age, a brief surge of strength allowed my own hands to circle around her neck one morning as she prepared my bath. The water scalded my blanched skin, threatening to burn it, and as such incured my own wrath. We struggled but in the end I won. For the Lunacy also provided me with a weapon and a means to aid me in overcoming my victims. White strands, as thin as a thread of silk but stronger than piano wires, extended from the bed of my nails and punctured her own skin and in to her blood.

That precious blood that I so needed. The connection I created to pierce into her veins and windpipe allowed the blood to absorb in to my own body. Almost immediately I felt an improvement, her own life seeping to my own, and within minutes while she laid drained of her own lifesource I was able to stand again. Idna was no more.

This revelation brought about a temporary solution that I can not find anywhere else. Sebastiaan has tried to provide alternatives without the cost of another individual. It was, to our understanding then, that the Blood Divine, which so delicately blessed him to become a gifted man instead ravaged my body. It is poison in my own veins. A source to all of my ailments and suffering.

I cannot live unless I dilute this toxin and it requires the complete transfusion of another who has a perfect balance in their own body.

One may wonder how is it that I can accept this fate and ignore the moral concerns behind the deaths of others... I find the motivation of wanting to live, to prolong the purgatory destined for this accursed soul. The debts that I have accrued will only continue until I die.

It has been over a year since I began this form of treatment. Beside me lays the 16th woman I have since killed for my fulfillment. Preemptively this time as little brother's birthday is in a few days and I'd rather not ruin the evening with the Lunacy-driven ramblings that have been known to follow. The clarity of my mind this evening has caused me to sit and think more about the deeds I have done and the time stolen from these sacrifices, rather than prolongue the inevitable necessity of them. They were never given a choice and once little brother discovers the body they will be purged in the same manner as others, and none will know within Carcosa their whereabouts. Only left to wonder themselves of their fates.

Perhaps guilt, or even remorse, has driven me to write my thoughts in their last moments of this life. Aside from Idna, I know little of these girls beyond the opportunity that lured them within my home and grasp. I am forced to pick them sporadically enough so that no pattern can be distinguished that'll lead them back to the manor with Sebastiaan and me. In the meantime... They must be remembered for their 'gift' so that I may continue to live. And that, someday, when I am no longer held accountable for it all their family and loved onces will find closure with the answers to their disappearance. A reason why, if they even deserved it.

Maybe this is guilt but I still have much to live for before my judgment day.